Not reaching out enough is one thing, but not reaching out at all is a completely different story. 

I’ll be honest. I don’t reach out or stay in touch with people as much as I could, should or want. And I certainly don’t reach out to people as much as I used to. I apologize for that. 

It’s just who I am — or, at least, who I’ve become. I’m private. I’m guarded. I’m sheltered. I’m quiet. 

But I do reach out. 

It might not be every day, it might not be every week and it might not be every month. 

But I do reach out. 

And it’s a hell of a lot more often than people reach out to me. 

What I’ve noticed is that the same people who tell me, “I wish you would reach out more,” are the same people who don’t reach out themselves — at all.

I never hear from them. 

Because in that day, week or month that I don’t reach out, my phone is as dry as a drought. 

Personally, it’s so difficult to even want to reach out to anyone when I know that I’m the only one who’s going to put forth any effort. 

At that point, what’s the point? 

There is no point. 

Because if you want me to reach out more, then you’re saying you don’t hear from me enough. 

But from my point of view, I don’t hear from you at all. 

Ever. 

In fact, I only hear from you when I do reach out. 

It’s a one-way street. 

And I feel like I’m walking it alone.

That’s why I distance myself. That’s why my circle is so small. That’s why I choose to do things on my own. 

And honestly, that’s why I’ve been single and sexually abstinent for the past 12 years. 

I always gave 110%. But I never received it in return. 

At a certain point, I gave up. I stopped trying. And I put that time, energy and effort into myself.

And while a lot of positives have come from that, it has also left a gigantic void in my life — one that has me yearning for more. One that has me yearning for deeper relationships and deeper connections.

Sure, I’ve grown comfortable with myself, but not comfortable being alone.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, but feel like no one knows who I am anymore.

I’ve accomplished a lot on my own, but have no one to celebrate it with.

I gained independence, but I miss being needed — and wanted. 

I know my worth, but feel unseen. 

I’m strong, but even the strongest get tired — and I’m tired. 

All I want is someone who’s willing to match my energy. Someone who makes me feel wanted. Someone who looks forward to talking to me. 

Someone who’s willing to give me their time the way I give them mine. 

And that’s true for friends, family and love interests. 

This isn’t me keeping track. This isn’t me asking for perfection. And it’s not me saying I won’t ever reach out again. 

It’s me saying that connection — true connection — can’t survive on effort from one side.

Because not reaching out enough is human.

Not reaching out at all is a choice.

So, if you see me pulling away — or feel like I’m not there the way I used to be — it’s not because I don’t care or I stopped caring. 

I pulled away because I care too much to keep pouring into empty cups.

I just want reciprocity. 

But maybe that’s just too much to ask for these days.